Physicists' Trialogue

Who will become the Physicist Fighting Champion?

SCENE I. Isaac's Flat.

Isaac Newton, an English boy of twelve years, is greeted to the unsettling sight of a decrepit old man knocking at his door.

Isaac
Galileo! What are you doing here? Have you come to try our famous food? We're having bubbles and squeak for supper and for pudding... why not spotted dick?

Galileo
I'd soon as much starve! Actually, I've come to monitor your progress. I have been to the future and seen great things to come from you.

Isaac
Oh, I'm such a fan of your work. It's funny that you mention my future self, because I have been working to form some of my theories already. But please, come inside.

Galileo
My boy, you have a lovely home here. And what's this? Why, a crystal duck on the mantle piece. Oh dear, I hath knocked it over and shattered it to pieces!

Isaac
What were you thinking!

Galileo
I thought that since it was hollow it would be extremely light, and I would be able to catch it in time if I toppled it with my enormous sleeve.

Isaac
You hath become senile in your old age! Why, one of your greatest proofs was that all objects fall at the same rate, no matter their mass. In my First Law of Motionbeta, it states that acceleration equals force divided by mass. Yes, the crystal duck was low in mass, so the force of gravity was also acting low upon it, but it did not take as much force because the duck itself had little inertia. Don't you remember your own theory of inertia?

Galileo
Vaguely. What was inertia and gravity again?

Isaac
You silly, old man, gravity is the universal force of objects, proportional to their masses, that pulls them towards each other. Inertia, also dependent upon mass, is the resistance to movement.

Galileo
You're a genius! I was thrice your age before I could come up with something like that. I feel like such a fool.

Isaac
I know something that'll cheer you up. We shall summon a possibly even greater thinker from an ancient time and ridicule him for his ludicrous notions.

Galileo
But who?

Isaac
Yes, but who?

Galileo
Ahhhhhh...

Isaac
Ahhhhh-Rihhhhhhhhh

Galileo
Ahhhhh-Rihhhhhhhhh-Stahhhhhhhhh

Isaac
Ahhhhh-Rihhhhhhhhh-Stahhhhhhhhh-Tuhllllllllll. Ah-Rih-Stah-Tuhl. Aristotle.
...
To the time machine!

SCENE II. Isaac's Flat's Basement.

They make their way to the basement and rev up the time machine. It is a complicated, steam-powered apparatus constisting of a barcalounger in a glass dome and a large analog clock that winds around really fast. <INSERT SPECIAL EFFECTS HERE>

Aristotle
Where am I? Where's my baklava? Who are you people?

Galileo
Why, he's out of his mind!

Isaac
And who can blame him?

Aristotle
I demand to know the meaning of this? I am anxious to get home like the heaviest object you will ever know!

Galileo
You silly old Greek. Don't you know that heavy objects fall no faster than lighter ones?

Isaac
(sarcastically) Bollix! Tell me more.

Galileo
Actually, that was it.

Aristotle
But, but, but how? 'Tis not so!

Isaac
It has to do with a thing called inertia. A body in motion stays in motion.

Aristotle
We'll agree to disagree on that at the moment. Just let me out of this confounded invisible cage! And where in blazes am I?

Isaac
Oh, what fun!

Aristotle
You have piqued my interest, though. Tell me, what about things in violent motion?

Isaac
WTF is that?

Galileo
Watch your language, boy. Now Aristotle, W-T-F is that?

Aristotle
Like a cart being pulled by horses or a ship being pushed by wind, I mean surly an object must have a force acting upon it in order to move?

Isaac and Galileo
Ahahahahahahahahaaa

Aristotle
Well, since I'm learning so much here today, tell me what you find so hysterical.

Galileo
You're right, Isaac. This is jolly fun. You take this one.

Isaac
An object can go on forever with only an initial push.

Aristotle
Whaaaaa? No lie?

Galileo
No lie.

Aristotle
The air doesn't squeeze the ball in flight forward?

Isaac
Hell no.

Aristotle
But the planets do revolve 'round the Earth on invisible tracks.

Galileo
Wouldn't dream of it.

Aristotle
You're all off your rocker. Nevertheless, I shall return to Greece with my findings.

Galileo
I'm afraid we can't let you do that.

Aristotle
I am a respected citizen! People will come looking for me!

Isaac
And how do you suppose they are going to find you? Do they have a subspatial time distorter on hold from Einstein?

Aristotle
errrrrrr...

Isaac
Didn't think so.

Aristotle
I shall plot my escape and return to this time and club you all and rescue myself!

Isaac
If that were going to happen, don't you think you would have saved yourself by now? Oh look, time for school.

Galileo
Yes, I best return to Italy. Good luck in the future, Isaac.

Aristotle
Maybe I'm waiting outside for just the right moment.

SCENE III. Isaac's Flat's Basement.

Aristotle
Oh, you left me here in your dungeon for so long I've lost track of time entirely.

Isaac
Relax, I just went to school; it couldn't have been more than 8 hours.

Aristotle
O RLY?

Isaac
Well, Ari, you've suffered enough. I think it's time to send you back. What year are you from again?

Aristotle
We don't actually have years yet, but I think about 300-400 B.C.

Isaac
That with 3 zeros? *enters 4000 on rotary dial*

Aristotle
No, you fool! 2! 2!

Isaac
Sorry, can't hear you. The time machine is so loud.

Aristotle
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo...