Huckleberry Finn Celebrity Jeopardy By Sirloin, Ed. Vezquex
- Alex Trebek
- Huckleberry Finn
- Jim, the slave
- Sean Connery
- Ghost of Boggs, former town drunk
SCENE I. Jeopardy Set
Trebek Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. The scores are as stands: Mr. Huckleberry Finn with -$1500.
Huck No, sir, I have $6000 on account o' me and Tom gettin' all that loot and such truck.
Trebek Yes, but on the game show you have -$1500. Anyway, Mr. Jim, do you even have a last name?
Jim No, sir, I don' got no name.
Trebek OK. Jim has a score of -$800.
Jim I could buy me!
Trebek No, you couldn't. And…Mr. Connery, what are you doing here?!
Sean Came back for another round, Trebek.
Trebek But where did…Boggs, yes that's it, where did he go?
Sean Oh, you'd like to know, wouldn't you, Trebek?
Trebek Well, we'll just carry over his score. So Sean Connery has an amazing score of -$3. And the categories are: Potent Potables, Small Town Shootings, 16th Century Plays That You Just Practiced an Hour Ago, The Carnival, Angry Mobs, Aiding and Abetting Slaves, and Names That End In 'uck Finn'. Mr. Finn, the board is yours.
Boggs Wait, wait. I'm a comin'. I'm a comin'.
Trebek Who are you?
Boggs Why I was on this here game show 'til this big oaf [gestures toward Sean] came an' did me in.
Trebek Well, I don't think we allow dead people to play. Mr. Finn, the board is yours.
Boggs Now wait one dern minute here—
Trebek Just shut up and go back to your grave. Mr. Finn.
Huck Huh? Oh, I'll take The Carnival for $6000.
Trebek Actually, there is no "$6000" so we'll just go with $600. The answer is: "This is what the people came to town for in Chapter 21."
Jim *Beep Beep* Well, we came to the town when we was floatin' down the Miss'ssippi and we was gwyne do a play—
Trebek Wrong. The correct response is: The Carnival…The Carnival. Mr. Finn…
Huck Um, ah, mind if I go take a smoke?
Trebek Yes, I do mind. Jim?
Jim Uh, wa's dat one?
Trebek Which one? Oh, never mind. Mr. Connery?
Sean The day is mine! I'll take "Names that end in 'uck Finn'" for $400.
Trebek No, you will not. Pick a different category.
Sean Oh, afraid of what you might find there, Trebek? I'll take "16th century plays that you just practiced an hour ago" for $400.
Trebek The answer is: "The king and the duke rehearsed this play on the raft." Mr. Jim?
Jim Um, I knows this one, yes I do. It's… sorry, sir. I don' know this one, sorry sir.
Trebek Anyone else? Okay then, the correct response is: Romeo and Juliet. Mr. Connery?
Sean I'll take Angry Mobs for $800.
Trebek The answer is: "The angry mob in Chapter 21 arose because of this."
Sean I think you know, Trebek.
Trebek No, I don't.
Sean Yes you do, you've got it on that card in front of you.
Trebek I'm not sure why I put up with you. Mr. Finn?
Huck Well, me an' Jim was floatin' down the Mississippi while the King and the Duke was practicing for the plays they was gwyne to put on, and we come to this little town, see, and there was this Carnival in the town so everyone come to see it. We went a'walkin' through the town to see what was goin' on, and to see about the King and the Duke doin' their play and all, and we sees some guys sat down in the storefront taking a chaw. Later, when it was darkenin' we sees the town drunk come through, and he went and got 'imself kilt.
Trebek No, that's incorrect. And no, you don't get points for being long-winded. The correct response is: The shooting of Boggs by Colonel Sherburn. Since I'm tired of dealing with Mr. Connery; Mr. Finn, you may have the board.
Huck I'll take Small Town Shootings for $6000.
Trebek Again, there is no $6000. There is only $600. Anyway, the answer is: "Colonel Sherburn did this to Boggs. The act involved a gun. In fact, you could go as far as to say that Sherburn shot Boggs twice. Mr. Finn, you were there… Will someone please say 'He shot him'?" … … No one? Well then, it's on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is…Famous Titles…Famous Titles. I can't believe it.
Sean Still not a fan, eh Trebek?
Trebek Shut up. The answer is: "The title of this book derives from the name of its main character, Huckleberry Finn… Mr. Finn, I would expect you to know this one, in fact, I would expect all of you to know this one, seeing as how the title is 'Huckleberry Finn'."
[Jeopardy music plays.]
Trebek We'll start with Mr. Finn. You wrote, "The unabridged ravings of me on the topic of me and Jim's trip down the Mississippi and other related adventures (working title)". That is incorrect. And you wagered…$6000. You don't even—never mind. Mr. Jim, you drew a picture of a flower. That is also incorrect. And you wagered…15¢. Alright, Mr. Connery, you wrote…Angelina Jolie. It's "Famous Titles", Mr. Connery.
Sean That's what you'd like to think, Trebek.
Trebek That's not funny. And what did—You know what? I don't even want to know what you wagered, so that concludes today's game. I'm Will Fe–I mean Alex Trebek, and I hate this job.