A lighthearted take on the perils of forbidden love. Lots of bees. Written by Vezquex because he had a project due and he hates puppet shows.
Romeo and Juliet Project The New Act IV
SCENE I. Friar Laurence's cell.
Enter Friar Laurence and Paris
Thursday? Are you mad?
My father Capulet is intent on it,
And dissuading him is beyond me.
You have'nst a clue as to Juliet's ways, thoughts, or feelings:
Scares me this course of action does.
Fresh, Tybalt's death in her memory is.
So carefully the subject of love is avoided,
For Love doest not harmonize with sadness.
Her father detests that
She is so in touch with her emotions,
Therein rushing our wedding,
Only that rat Romeo can stop us now!
And he is off dying in the forest.
I foresee his death,
A death of a thousand bee swarm of stings,
Oh, how I loath him.
Go bees, Go!
For Tybalt and the good of all earth.
Romeo was an evil bear,
Trying to steal the world's sweet
Sweet Honey from its comb,
But now the bees hast taken a stinging vengeance!
How dare thou conceive of such a demise for young Romeo.
Thy'll have thou know that no mob,
And Thy mean no mob of the most vicious insects could slay
Romeo's lion's heart.
Aghast! Juliet ist approaching at a thundering pace.
Thy fiancé, yay!
Push it not, thine fate may differ.
Thursday art the wedding day.
No denying as much.
Aah very well.
Juliet sounds not upfilled with enthusiasm
Father? Say not what angers thine sword.
I should confess.
Do not deny to him that you love me.
You love me!
Romeo is gone.
Yellow, fuzzy minidevils of the night
Hast poisoned Romeo to a shallow grave. Me, or him?
What's all this about fuzzy minidevils?
No matter, for I
Will confess that I love...
Whom? Outspit it, witch.
I mean lady.
If I do so, it will be of more cost
Than the Queen's crown.
I don't care if you don't love me,
But thou hast to feign it at the least
For, Marriage is certain.
Oh! But I do love you.
Like a Blue Jay loves its song.
Like The Sky loves The Stars.
That hurts: that obvious mockery.
That is not slander, sir, that is a fact;
Even though thou art a beslubbering, beef-witted, mangy dog.
Thou hast slander'd me twice in one sitting.
Thou shalt pay pittance.
Me pay? I told you there would be a heavy price
If I confessed thy love.
Doest the holy father have spare time now?
Or shall I come when the moon shines
Brightly overhead after evening mass?
For you, fair lady, I can make time.
Begone! You cretin-beast.
God forbid I should disturb your quoth-unquoth Religion!
Juliet, Bright and early Thursday.
I bid you adieu, kiss-kiss.
Sometimes I wonder if Paris is gay.
O shut that door! and when thou hast done so,
Upshut that fiend Paris.
We cry now, for there is
No chance, no remedy, no refraining from
My Sham Marriage.
Ah, Juliet, I realize your sorrow;
It upsets me with a torrential force.
There just ain't no preventing it,
Thursday is Wednes-day, so to speak.
Don't say that!
Can you not hinder it?
If, in thy good judgment, thou canst be of assistance,
See eye to eye with my scheme,
If thou speak'st not of a solution,
With this deadly knife,
God, unite my spirit in conjunction with Romeo's;
And I will depart this life.
Woah there!: Nuts let us not go,
Suicide is not the way to go.
If, rather than to marry County Paris,
Thou hast the nerve to slay thyself,
Then instead you can eat some of this
Tempo-Death ice cream, which I whipped up
This morn. It's strawberry flavored.
O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris,
Leap off the highest cliff, into
The deepest ocean that is filled with
Bloody sharks, stinging rays,
And these yellow minidevils I've been
Hearing so much about.
Or into the fires of St. Helens;
Or bid me loiter where
"NO LOITERING" signs dwell
Uplock me with the craziest inmates;
Or shut me nightly in my school locker,
Compared to all this, some Tempo-Death
Ice cream sounds mighty good.
Does it come in chocolate?
Don't worry, be happy,
Tomorrow night go to your icebox,
Take thou this cone to bed,
And after, drink something alcoholic,
A nice merlot, or a half-pint of Guinness;
Through all thy veins shall run
A freezing cold power that will slow
The blood flow to a glacial stop.
Living you shall cease for the moment.
No warmth, no breath, no soul shall reside;
Skin turning a frosty blue hue,
Frozen-stiff to death:
And this state of Tempo-Death
Shalt endure roughly 46 chilly hours,
And then melt, awaken, as a tree in spring.
But, when the bridegroom in the morn' turns up
Thou art quoth-unquoth dead:
Then thou'll be shipped out to the old
Capulet Tomb, where all the dead
Spirits of the family come to haunt.
My drift Romeo should be able to catch,
And hither shall he journey: and he and I
Will observe thy thawing. Then
Romeo will whisk you away to the forest,
Don't worry, methinks the bees art a mere fable,
And all shall live happily ever after, except
Tybalt, Mercutio, and Paris.
If thou hold no fear, onact it.
Be surest, A smidgeon not of fear.
Give me some of that smooth, arctic,
Then it's set. I'll send for Romeo.
Here's the ice cream. Careful,
It is colder than the void of space.
Ooh! That is cold. Could I get a bag or something?
Hmmm, let's see here. Bible, bible, bible.
Sorry, M'lady, there art no bags to be seen.
Then thou shalt die a death worse than any bees
Could ever wish to wreak upon thou.
[Juliet hurls the icecream at Friar Lawrence's head and he is knocked out cold.]
Hah! That'll teachest thou a thing or two
About working a grocery.
SCENE II. Capulet Kitchen
Enter Lady Capulet
All this nonsense hast givest thy stomach
A yearning for some vittles.
Perhaps sweets art what I desire.
[looking through icebox]
Gelato, spumoni, ooh, strawberry ice cream,
Why, I havest not such an exotic dish in such
A long time.[eating] Mmmm.
Too cold! A chill sweeping over my insides,
An uncontrollable numbness, a slowing of
Muscular functions. Can't go on describing
Symptoms much longer. [collapses]
Enter Serving Man
Uh oh. No one has to know about this.
[shoves Lady Capulet aside]
Ooh, ice cream. No! Fight it! Remember,
I'm watching my weight. I'm watching
My weight. Well, just one bite. [eats]
Oh! For the love of God, no!
SCENE III. Juliet's Bed
When thine body defrosts as so,
With any luck Romeo will be
There to warm my lips.
Hence goes nothing.
[eats ice cream cone, quoth-unquoth dies]
Awaken, Lady Julie... What?
Hast thou been drinking?
Wherefore wast not I invited to the bachorlette party?
Cold cheeks? Some sort of reverse fever?
I should knowest this. I'm a nurse for Friar's sake.
Pneumonia? O, upwake lady! Please!
Dead? No! Upwake! Upwake!
'Tis a shame. On thou's Wedding Day, too.
Well, I hast better alert your mother and father.
Where is Lady Capulet anyway?
SCENE IV. The Forest
Perhaps the late Friar Lawrence should not have packed
So much ice cream, for one by one, the members of the
Capulet household fell victim to the Tempo-Death spell.
As its sweet, icy goodness dripped down their throats,
They descend'd into a brief hibernation.
When they upwoke, Juliet was gone.
For she had unfrozen hours earlier and run away to forest.
One wouldst think that killing the Friar and sedating
Her whole family would bother her, but not it did.
In the forest she searched and searched, over hill and dale,
But upcame empty. But then Romeo, a staggering mess,
Staggered over to Juliet and collapsed into her arms.
Enter Juliet and Romeo
I'm too late! The bees hadst gotten you!
This hellish mutant forest preys on my frail human body.
Mind you, these are no ordinary bees,
For they are the size of coconuts.
Now, quickly, run away! Before they get you too.
No! I shall die too. With you in my arms.
With my love in my arms. [bzzzzzzz]
With my love in my arms.
[buzzing gets louder]
Juliet and Romeo
In the forest so shadowy at night
A staggering figure approached with care,
Struggling to abruptly reunite;
Of any danger she was unaware;
She held him in closely and softly said,
"No! I shall die too with you in my arms."
Sweat dribbled down her face to her forehead,
And then the bees buzzed in like firearms;
Poison pierces the heart through the bloodstream;
The impulsive decisions take their toll;
Descending into an unending dream,
Bodies collapse with a slow-motion roll;
Their lives were swift, and fates were prearranged,
But the feud ended, at least one good change.